


Weed Is Our Conjunction Of Choice While So Is Our Drug

by Jokess



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Sburb Session, Asexual Character, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Marijuana, No Sex, Recreational Drug Use, naked male body
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-29
Updated: 2015-06-29
Packaged: 2018-04-06 20:01:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,735
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4234746
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jokess/pseuds/Jokess
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Drone Season Prompt Fill for technicolorCarbon who asked for Asexual Dave and Dirk smoking weed and getting high in an attempt to get sexually interested in one another</p>
            </blockquote>





	Weed Is Our Conjunction Of Choice While So Is Our Drug

**Author's Note:**

  * For [technicolorCarbon](https://archiveofourown.org/users/technicolorCarbon/gifts).



Out of the very long, expansive list of stupid shit Dirk and Dave Strider got into this had to be one of the stupidest. ‘This’ being the idea that ‘Getting high is a great way to get around the “pesky varmint” known as non sex repulsed asexulality.’

One trip to the outskirts of the city of Houston later and all the weed had been good for was the knowledge that if either of them referred to their asexuality a ‘pesky varmints’ again they’d throw themselves to the social justice warriors of the internet and wait for their inevitable but rightfully earned demise.

And even though the no longer illicit purchase was doing nothing for their libido and everything for a serious case of the munchies Dave and Dirk had gotten undressed to see where things would lead. Their purchase had been expensive for two nineteen year olds with part time jobs in the fields of computers and music so they were going to make the best of it no matter how dumb it felt.

Now that Dave was literally staring down the four or so inches of uncut, whiter than white bread cock which hung between Dirk’s thighs like the world’s saddest elephant trunk- co starring half hidden balls as the ears of an orphaned Dumbo- the idea was feeling dumber than dumb.

Were Dirk able to read minds he’d have to agree with Dave despite any risk of an apocalypse. To him Dave’s almond brown dick was no more exciting or intriguing than a game of football. Sure he was curious about the mechanics of his boyfriend’s dick, but not in a way he was going to get hot and bothered about. He was intellectually curious, and though he wouldn’t admit it, kind of terrified. Dick was dick, but not all dick was scarred as Dave’s was. WHAT the discolored patches of lighter brown scar tissue marring the tip of Dave’s cut tip meant Dirk didn’t WANT to know. At the same time he’d not be surprised or disbelieving if he was told Dave’s brother had taken up some type of religion just long enough to try and impart his new beliefs on his ward. Which would have been fine, or at least something many parents did, if not for the fact imparting religious beliefs had nothing to do with swords AND circumcision.

Even though they’d long since run out of shit to smoke Dirk took a deep, slow breath inward as if in hopes that would bring some fumes to his brain. “So, what do you think?”

 

“It’s um....so….”

“So?”

“So indeed.”

An awkward chuckle. “So is pretty much...all huh?”

“Yeah. That’s our...my choice opinion it seems.”

“Same here.”

“Fuck.”

“We wish.”

“Oh my GOD Dirk, no. You did not just dad joke me. I know we have our bro slash father figure issues but no. Not even hopped up on Texas’s finest weed will that ever be okay. I’d rather stare at your dick than ever have to be subjected to my boyfriend dad joking me. I know we share the same last name and all, but we’re not related and despite what fanfiction would make you believe incest does NOT make the world go round. Not even fake incest.”

“I’m pretty sure fake incest is called a daddy kink.”

“Dude don’t ever say that to someone you think has a dad kink. You will be so hosed you’ll be the metaphorical newbie fireman who is initiated into the ranks by a five alarm fire hose attached to a fire hydrant loosened to max pressure.”

“Aight. I get it. No dad jokes...BRO”

The deadpan look of anger combined with his inhibitions being WAY lowered made Dirk burst out into a fit of giggles. They didn’t last long, but still were enough to get Dave laughing and once Dave was laughing Dirk couldn’t help but start laughing again which only made Dave laugh harder. It was a fucking vicious circle which lasted a good five minutes before the starkness of reality hit once again.

“So.”

“Dave, we already went through this.”

“Yeah but it’s such a good conjunction. Perfectly fitting for two boyfriends who have been staring at one another’s decidedly soft junk for the last ten minutes. Which, you know, is pretty much normal for us. But what isn’t normal is that we’re both higher than Lucy and her metaphorical diamonds. We’re giggling at one another and STILL our dicks are completely flaccid. Like, I’m not even sure that’s a physically possible thing because you’re pretty and all. Hell I’ve sported boners for much less than a hot guy standing naked in front of me.”

“I’m pretty sure listening to ‘All about that bass’ with all the bass edited out counts as more than staring at your naked boyfriends. That’s right down into kink territory there.”

“Says the guy who can’t stop singing my praises when I talk Texas”

“It’s romantic and I have pride in my state of birth.”

“You were ranting about how much Texas sucked just two days ago.”

“It was a hundred and ten degrees in the shade and the air conditioner was broken two days ago.”

“Oh...yeah. So when do we start getting sexually attracted to one another?”

“God soon I hope. If I wasn’t already flaccid I’d have lost my boner long ago. This did not work out like I thought it would.”

“The great and powerful Dirk had a plan that didn’t go as expected?! Call the press and the churches we have a bona fida miracle on our hands. Two if you count that THE Dirk Strider admitted to not being a perfect God of control.”

“Shut up Dave.”

“Make me oh control master of controlling.”

“Damn, you’re a kinky little shit sometimes.”

“You betcha I am partner.” Dave drawled, laying the cliche Texan on thick just for Dirk. Had the, slightly, taller male not chosen then to kiss him full on the lips Dave would have burst into another round of giggles because DAMN did he sound ridiculous. Fuck, he always sounded ridiculous when faking an accent, but the weed intensified everything but sex drive ten fold. Which was fucking weird since marijuana was a depressant so perhaps it really his reaction to most things making what reactions were normal seem intense by comparison.

“Earth to Dave this your boyfriend calling and he’s wondering why his partner’s lips are a pair of bed starfish. Over.”

Rather than answer with words Dave responded by kissing Dirk back then smearing his tongue all over the blonde’s lips. World’s best boyfriend. It was he.”

Dirk pulled away to wipe his lips and was met with a raised eyebrow. A quick mental inventory told him the reason for the seemingly incongruous brow was because little Dirk had woken and risen to roughly half mast.

“Well whaddaya know? Weed DOES work.”

“I prefer to think my elite kissing skills had something to do with your penis rising from the dead.”

“How do you explain little Dave waking up then?”

Dirk couldn’t SEE Dave look down behind his shades but he knew he did. He also knew Dave had been well aware of his raging halfie long before Dirk had brought it up and was only looking down to indulge in his sense of irony.

“I don’t know. It sure as hell couldn’t have been your kissing skills but it also wasn’t the pot. I think that maybe, little D has the munchies because DAMN I could go for some Doritos right now.”

“I thought you hated Doritos.”

“I do, but I haven’t been able to think of anything else since I looked at your dumb glasses halfway through smoking that last joint.”

“Spicy nacho flavor?”

“Fuck no, we’re in Texas. I’m buying out the local mart’s supply of Cooler Ranch. For the irony.”

“Right, right. But before that perhaps we can take advantage of whatever...this is and actually have sex? You know, since we spent all that money and time.”

 

“Yeah I guess.” Dave made to step toward Dirk but stopped short.”Okay, really dumb question but who does the pitching and who does the catching?”

“What?”

“I mean who is the battery and who supplies the electrical current? Who is the bass and who is the amp? Who’s the DJ and who is the turntable? Who is the fish and who is the fisherman?”

The look of confusion on Dirk’s face told Dave he was getting nowhere fast with his increasingly ridiculous and inaccurate metaphors. “I mean, which one of us is getting at least four inches of 100% pure beef thermometer shoved up our asses.”

Silence. The loudest one Dave or Dirk ever had to endure. Clearly neither one of them were up for stepping up to the plate. They weren’t grossed out, just neither of them could imagine getting pleasure from having a rod rhythmically inserted into any part of their body; prostates and the wonder of them getting hit be damned.

“Well there goes my boner. Guess sex really isn’t all that sexy, huh Dave?”

“Yeah. It’s just kinda….so, you know?”

“Yeah. Helping one another with morning wood, or make out sessions or deep tissue massages sure but sexual intimacy of the penetrative nature? Not my thing.”

“Sexual intimacy of the penetrative nature.” Dave dead panned. “Jesus fuck Dirk you’ve been talking to Rose again haven’t you? Just why? Jane is SO much hotter. You know aesthetically speaking.”

“You can only say that because Rose is related to you.”

“No...well...yeah maybe but still.”

“Still nothing. Your half sister is banging. Worry not though ye of little fate and a disgusted expression, I don’t want to do her. I’m just stating facts. She’s attractive. It’s that simple.”

“Dirk. Please just shut up before I have to punch you.”

“Make me.”

Dave snorted, stepped in as if he were going to kiss Dirk then stepped away and continued walking to the door.

“Nah man. Maybe next time, but for now I REALLY fucking want some Doritos. And pretzels…and maybe a couple cupcakes. Oooh brownies.I HAVE to get brownies. It’d be the pinnacle of irony. And apple juice of course. Plus popcorn...fuck, you know what let’s just raid the entire snack aisle.”

“Oh fuck yeah. Now you’re talkin’ my language. Orange soda here I come.”

**Author's Note:**

> This probably didn't go as you wanted/expected but it was still a ton of fun to write so I hop you enjoy.


End file.
